Happiness is a Four-Letter Word (The Diet, Day 88)

CAKE. Happiness is cake. Happiness is the pursuit of cake. When TJ said “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” he undoubtedly meant cake.

This is a philosophy I have adopted this afternoon after a moment of reflection and a few minutes of reading this blog post by my new favorite blogger at Hyperbole and a Half, whoever the heck she is.

I have been on a diet for 88 days. I have not had cake during that time unless that one strawberry cupcake a couple of weeks ago counts. I’m not sure it does. It had real strawberries in it. I believe that moved it from the cake group to the fruit group.

I am feeling down and out. My back hurts. My head hurts. I am depressed and in every way outdone with the world. I have attempted to fix this with sleep and exercise and salad and deep reflections on right and wrong. Nothing works. That’s because I have not yet tried to fix myself with cake.

I have been in a world without cake for 88 days, but I have a birthday in 21 days. I have 3 weeks left to make a very big decision.

Red Velvet
Caramel
Italian Cream
Carrot
German Chocolate

These are the top five cakes of all time, at least in my estimation. In a normal year, picking among them is nearly impossible. This year I am positively catatonic at the prospect.

After much deep reflection, since I started writing this about two or three minutes ago, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is only one right: pre-Birthday tastings.

21 days. 5 cakes. Only one can be The Birthday Cake.

This is going to be harsh.