Why I Stand With Thad


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I hesitated to speak up about the senate race in Mississippi. I had friends and family members on both sides. I didn’t want any conflict. I also didn’t think that Chris McDaniel had a real chance. I thought most of the support for him was concentrated in Jones County and that he wouldn’t generate the same level of enthusiasm statewide. I was somewhat correct about that, but I underestimated the degree to which Jones County would turn out for the election in proportion to the rest of the state.

I hesitated because I thought I would be dismissed by my Republican friends as being too liberal to have a say. I thought I would open myself up for attack in a way that I lacked the time and energy to deal with. After seeing the results of the primary in which the vote in Mississippi split down the middle in just as contentious a manner as we’ve seen at the national level for the past several presidential elections, I felt like I needed to start sharing a few basic facts. Obviously, education is close to my heart, particularly two-year college education, so I have been sharing articles related to education, hoping at least a few people would stop and think about what they are really asking for in “getting the federal government out of Mississippi.”

After seeing my friend Kate Cochran attacked, and deliberately misconstrued, for supporting her father, the nastiness of this political climate that we have now brought home to Mississippi has become a little too personal for me. I want the chance to say that I stand by Kate in supporting her father, and I want the chance to say why.

I know that I am viewed as a liberal by many of my nearest and dearest in Mississippi, but I see myself as a moderate. I am not being disingenuous in supporting Thad Cochran now. I did not come late to the game. I have been voting for Thad Cochran since I was old enough to vote. Please don’t take that as proof that he is liberal enough to appeal to someone who also liked Bill Clinton. I have voted for Cochran when I adamantly disagreed with his votes in the Senate. I never once thought he was in the same political camp as Clinton. I thought he was far more conservative. I voted for him, despite disagreeing with him, because I love my state, and I thought he was the best thing for Mississippi even if I wasn’t always pleased with where he stood on national issues. I voted for him because I respected him. I voted for him because I knew how much he was doing to protect the schools and to protect the economy in Mississippi. I voted for him because I trusted him to be levelheaded no matter what his politics. I voted for him because I knew that if something went wrong in Mississippi, he would do everything in his power to help.

If Thad Cochran wins the runoff, I will vote for him again in the general election. My support now is not bait-and-switch. I stand with Thad.

I will not vote for McDaniel if he wins the runoff. I will vote for Travis Childers in that case. This is not because I am looking for the most liberal of the two. It is because I am looking for the least radical of the two. I am the middle political ground.

This morning I read an article posted by one of my Facebook friends that attacked my friend Kate Cochran for her words posted to Facebook a few days ago expressing support for her father and expressing distress at the current political climate in Mississippi. I too am distressed. I was distressed by the tone of the attack on Kate. I have been distressed by the tone of this election. I am distressed by the fact that the person who wrote the article had gone looking through Kate’s Facebook page for “evidence” to use against her father. I can assure you that my Facebook posts do not represent the political views of my father. Kate’s politics are not Thad’s politics. She has never pretended that they were. What I see in Kate’s unfailing support for her father is evidence of a loving family. What I see is evidence of levelheaded, intelligent people who can love and support each other no matter what their disagreements on particular issues. What I see is further evidence of the man I saw when I met Thad Cochran: a gentleman who works with people rather than against them while still standing firm in his own convictions. This is the kind of person I want representing me in Washington.

Thad Cochran has been a friend to the community college and to education as a whole in Mississippi. I know this because I have seen the results of his work firsthand. I am grateful for this, and he has my vote.

I do not want to see Mississippi go the way of national politics. I do not want to see us as a house divided against itself. I pray that we can all work together and respect each other and support each other. I pray that we can all bring to the table the spirit of family love and goodwill that I have seen embodied in Thad Cochran.

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One Path, Many Truths


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People often quote the Hindu saying “One truth, many paths” when talking about religious tolerance. I’m not sure what the saying originally meant, but I do know it has been transformed by Westerners into meaning “respect the rights of others to worship God how they see fit” with the idea that there are many ways to find the one God. I like the sentiment. I happen to think faith is an individual path, and each person has to find his or her own way.

I had a friend (I say had because my friend is dead now, not because I think friendship itself every really dies) who liked to turn that phrase around to say, “One path, many truths.” He did this to be contrary and to get a rise out of people, but he also had a brilliant point. By his way of thinking, we’re all headed down the same road, but we all have our own truths about how we are traveling and what we are seeing and who we even are as we make our way down the road. One path, many truths. There’s only one journey, but we all have a different story about what it means.

I like this way of thinking too, and I’ve reminded myself of it many times when I found myself in disagreement with another person. One path, many truths. No matter who you are, you always have a different story to tell than the person right next to you. No matter how right you are, there is always another way to tell the story in which you are the one in the wrong.

One path, many truths. Whatever you are telling yourself is the truth, there is always another truth. There is always another perspective.

You might be wrong, and you might be right, but even if you are right, someone else has another truth to tell about the very same issue.

One path, many truths. One truth, many paths. Flipped either way, this is a lesson in humility and respect and reverence and compassion.

This is my lesson to myself today. Remember, Sharon, that your way is not the only way. Remember that your story is not the only story. Remember that your path is not the only path.

Whoever you are remember when you get frustrated with others or when you are tempted to judge that someone else always has another way of seeing things than you do right now.

And with that thought, I leave you with a message from a fellow Mississippian who has followed his own path.

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Only Love is Real


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I’ve spent a lot of time in my life chasing after accomplishments. I finished a PhD when I was still in my 20s, and I thought when I went to work in the 2-year-college system that I had a pretty good deal because I didn’t have anything left to prove. I didn’t have to publish. I didn’t have to pursue any additional degrees. I could sit back and enjoy life and feel good that no one could take away my sense of my own accomplishment.

Yeah. That didn’t quite work out as planned.

I finished that PhD 18 years ago, and I’ve spent every single one of those years trying to prove to myself that I was worth something. I’ve taken on projects and presented at conferences and set challenges for myself. No matter how busy I’ve been, I’ve always managed to make myself busier by adding extra expectations on top of the ones that came with the job.

There’s something to be said for accomplishing goals. There is a certain satisfaction and a certain sense of self-worth and pride that comes with achievement. People need goals, and they need the discipline of meeting goals. They just don’t need them as much as they need other people.

After many years of getting it backwards, I think I finally see that salvation does not come to us through accomplishments. It comes to us through relationships.

I’ve been reading A Course in Miracles, and it puts a great deal of emphasis on the power of forgiveness. You find the light of God for yourself through forgiveness of others, it says. In other words, the divine that is found within is the loving kindness that we extend to others. God is love. There is no separation between our relationship to God and our relationship to people. They are one and the same. We find God by finding God within ourselves, which is to say that we find God by finding love within ourselves. Love needs community to grow. Love needs communion. We grow our feelings of closeness to God by growing our feelings of closeness to the people around us.

Redemption = relationships.
Happiness = relationships.
Peace = relationships.

This is why forgiveness is at the heart of redemption. Forgiveness closes the gaps in relationships. It heals wounds. It cultivates empathy and connection. Forgiveness is the same thing as love, and love is the same thing as God. Forgiveness is the path to the divine.

It really doesn’t matter whether you go about this from a religious or a non-religious point-of-view. The same principles hold true. Happiness is not found in things. Happiness is not found in accomplishments. Happiness is not found in building up the ego. Happiness is simply found in relationships.

This doesn’t mean romantic relationships. Sometimes romantic relationships are the opposite of redemptive because they are ego driven, and they can be demanding without being forgiving. Romantic relationships are probably only redemptive in nature if they are also relationships built on simple loving kindness of the same sort as would be extended to a child or a parent or a sibling or a best friend.

So often life becomes overwhelmed with responsibilities, and those responsibilities are important. They have to be taken care of. If they aren’t we end up dragging along a lot of guilt and resentment and self-doubt that we inevitably dump into our relationships. We have our jobs, and we have to do them, but we should never lose sight of the fact that we are working to make life better for ourselves and for the people around us. If our jobs and other responsibilities are robbing us of our relationships, we’ve gotten off track somewhere.

I’m preaching to myself when I say this. I need to hear it as much as anyone.

Never forget that family and friends are why you are here. Family and friends are not your distractions from your purpose. They are your purpose.

Only love is real.

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On Miracles and Cats


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Jack Cat March 14Jack Cat and Stella Calico and I have been apartment dwellers through this school year, and it has been an adjustment for all of us. I love my apartment. I am eternally grateful for it. I am eternally grateful for the wonderful job that had me moving to an apartment this year. I am also happy to have spent this week back in my house. Jack Cat concurs. Stella Calico has spent the week sitting on couch cushions while she recovers from being spayed. I think she’s happy to be here but not as happy as Jack Cat.

Today I sat in my backyard and watched Jack Cat hunt bugs. He had a great time, and I did too. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing, the peach trees were blooming, and the cat was frolicking. I was just sitting and taking it all in, but I loved it. I had a profound sense of rightness in it all. I had a profound sense of my own connection to the divine. I was doing nothing more than sitting in a lawn chair by myself, but I was happy. God was in his Heaven, Jack Cat was climbing trees, and all was right with the world.

Last year around this time, I doubt I would have been capable of finding this kind of happiness in something so simple. I doubt I would have been capable of finding it at all. I wasn’t happy this time last year. I was deeply unhappy and looking for ways to change my life.

Last year around this time, I wasn’t happy, but I was spending a lot of time praying about what to do about it. In particular, I remember praying for miracles. I prayed for miracles for myself and for my friends who were in the same or a similar situation.

A lot of miracles happened in the spring and summer of last year. Doors opened for me that I didn’t anticipate. Roads were paved for me. Everything I needed to change my life worked out in just the way I needed.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

One thing that happened, though, was that one of my friends introduced me to a book called A Course in Miracles. I was praying for miracles for this friend. I had not told anyone that I was praying for miracles. Then the person I was praying for gave me a book meant to teach what miracles are and how to find them in life. I considered that to be pretty miraculous in and of itself.

One of the main things that A Course in Miracles teaches is that miracles are changes in perception. Miracles are not so much material gains as they are corrections in perception about what we already have. Miracles are the removal of fear and doubt to make more room for love and faith. Miracles are acts of forgiveness and compassion. Miracles are feelings of connection rather than disconnection. Miracles resolve inner conflict and bring harmony into a life and therefore into the world. Miracles are acts of service to others. Miracles are acts of reconciliation. Miracles are recognitions of the light of God inside and outside the self. Miracles are changes in gratitude.

I feel like I’ve experienced a lot of miracles this year. Not the least among them is the simple ability to sit quietly alone in my own yard doing nothing more than watching my cat chase bugs and feel very, very blessed to be there.

Like most people, I can be pretty stubborn. I had to leave my house to learn how to be truly happy in it. I’ve had to leave a lot of other things behind as well this year. The changes in my life have been good, but they haven’t all been easy. At times I’ve felt like I’ve finally understood the story of Lot’s wife. If you spend too much time looking back, you will petrify yourself with your own tears. The Greeks gave us the story of Niobe who was turned to stone in her grief for her lost children. Regret has its price no matter what culture you come from. The living move forward not backward because that is the only direction that life flows in.

Sometimes, even if it is just for one week, forward takes you right back where you were, however, but the beauty of this is that it’s a whole new place by the time you come back around because you are a whole new person.

The only thing real is love, A Course in Miracles says. The only time that is real is now. The only way to live in the now is to forgive yourself and others, let the love of the Divine in, and look around to see how truly blessed you really are.

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Emotional Toddlers


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I’ve recently diagnosed myself as a “feeler” with a little help from an online personality test. I’m an INFP, and as far as I’ve been able to understand this means that my feelings are usually so close to the surface that they freak other people out. I don’t think this means I feel more deeply than other people. I just think it means I’m a little messier about expressing my feelings, and I frequently require time alone to settle down and run an emotional recalibration on myself.

I tend to think of this as a problem, especially when I am in the middle of a meltdown that I can’t seem to turn off. I’ve been reading a book this week, though, called The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron, and this book has reinforced for me what the personality tests also indicated. Being “sensitive” or “emotional” aren’t personality disorders or personality flaws. They are just personality. They are part of my personality type. They are just part of life.

I’ve been thinking about this along with something I got from another book I read this week. In Falling Upward, Richard Rohr talks about the fact that we need to get away from dualistic thinking if we want to grow spiritually. We do tend to divide the world into opposites: “If I’m not like you, something must be wrong with one of us, and I have to choose whether to blame you or blame me.” This is not good. The beauty of life is that we all get to be many varieties of different and unique and still be normal. We don’t need fixing nearly as often as we think. We just need to hold off on the judgments and love ourselves and others a little more.

Life doesn’t have to be divided into one or the other. If I can’t agree with you, that doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with you. If I can’t define an issue the same way you do, that doesn’t mean I can’t love you.

I’ve often thought that everyone needed brothers and sisters to teach them these basic human friendship truths. Brothers and sisters fight like the devil with each other and fight for each other to the death. They know that their differences do not define their relationships.

Brothers and sisters teach us how to get along with each other and how to get along in life. A sister teaches a brother how to treat women, and a brother teaches a sister how to treat men. In the best cases, we learn these problem-solving skills early because we are going to need them our whole lives, and according to Elaine N. Aron, we are going to revert to who we were as small children in our relationship conflicts throughout our whole lives.

So if I get into an argument with a guy friend, and I accuse him of being childish, I am correct. In the middle of a conflict, he will inevitably revert to being who he was as a toddler. I am also being childish. Conflict is a two way street. It takes two to take a conflict to the playroom, and as soon as one person goes there, the other is sure to follow.

We all become children in the face of emotional conflict or upheaval. There is no getting around this. This is not a disorder or a failure to grow up or a character deficiency. This is just reality. We are emotional babies one and all. The sooner we recognize this, the better off we are. Those babies inside of us need a lot of reassurance and a lot of emotional TLC. By the time we reach a certain age, it’s pretty certain that no one else is going to provide that TLC. We have to learn to give it to ourselves. We have to learn how to call time out and mother our own insecurities before our tantrums bring the whole house crashing down on us.

There’s more. Not only are we all different as adults, but we started out that way as well. We do all revert to infancy when faced with conflict, but we didn’t all have the same personalities as babies, and we didn’t all respond to fear and uncertainty in the same way. According to Aron, we can basically be divided into two camps: the babies that screamed for help, and the babies that shut down and hid out until the danger seemed to have passed.

I imagine it is often extremely difficult for the two different types to understand each other, but both are perfectly normal. We can call each other every name in the book, and it won’t do a bit of good. We are all just doing what we are physically and mentally programmed to do. We are all just being human, and humans never leave behind their infant selves.

When faced with conflict, you will very likely do one or the other. You will cry and scream and plead, or you will go into emotional hiding until the danger seems to have passed. People will try to tell you there is something wrong with you. You will tell yourself there is something wrong with you. There isn’t. This is the one way you are just like everybody else. You are just a child in the face of your own emotions.

Be good to that child. Nurture that toddler. Give that baby as many reassurances as it needs. Feed the baby. Rock the baby. Sing to the baby. Let the baby go back to sleep. And then get up and brush yourself off and do your best to find your inner grownup again.

How you react in the moment to conflict is not nearly as important as how you show up to make peace in the aftermath.

My friend and I once heard a dean say to a student, “It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility,” and we’ve been using that line on students ever since.

Be who you are. Be proud of who you are. Don’t let anyone tell you there is anything wrong with who you are. And if you have to melt down sometimes, go ahead and let go, and let it happen. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It isn’t your fault. It’s just your responsibility. Own that responsibility in the end, and everything is cool.

Be the child you are on the inside, and be the adult you have worked to become as well. There is nothing wrong with either part of you. You are beautiful and unique and wonderful and lovable in all of your human messiness just the way you are.

At least I hope so because that is my lesson to myself today.

That and remember that other people are just toddlers on the inside too. When you are able, tell your inner toddler to be gentle toward the inner toddlers of those around you. Every single last one of us is just bumbling around looking for someone to reassure us that the world is not a scary place. The world is a scary place, and there isn’t much reassurance to be found. Remember this, and be good to one another.

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Always trust your cape


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A few days ago, my little Stella Calico Kitty climbed up on top of a cabinet and convinced herself she couldn’t get down on her own. She cried for me to come rescue her. This is a regular occurrence in my house, and I always go to her when she cries. This time I was in the middle of doing something, though, and I was slow to respond. I knew it wouldn’t hurt her to stay up there a little bit longer, so I just kept doing what I was doing while Stella Calico kept crying. Eventually, I realized that I had forgotten all about rescuing her and that she was down and running around playing. She got tired of waiting to be rescued and rescued herself. She had the power to rescue herself all along, but she had to cry until she disgusted herself with the whole business before she realized this.

So much of life is wasted in this way, waiting for someone or something to rescue us from fears we can escape on our own whenever we are ready. Like Dorothy, we all have to learn in our own way that the most powerful magic is inside ourselves.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. The power is inside you. Close your eyes and click your heels and go where you need to go by the force of your own self-reliance.

Sometimes this might require a real leap of faith.

Sometimes leaps of faith leave us with breaks and bruises, but that’s okay. The magic is in the leap. The magic is in the faith.

Always trust your cape. Always take the leap toward your own dreams. Always believe in yourself and the power you have had along to go where you need to go.

That said, my answer to the gentleman who has recently tried to talk me into taking up sky diving is still no. I will be spreading my wings in my own way, but it isn’t a goal of mine to step out of a perfectly good airplane. I will make my jumps a little closer to the ground.

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Things I’ve learned from being a mixed up person in a mixed up world


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1. Whatever the problem is, the root of the problem is fear. So you think someone has been insulting, mean, inconsiderate, egotistical, disrespectful, or dismissive? The problem is none of the above. The problem is fear. The person you have a problem with is driven by fear. Your reaction is driven by fear. Fear is the one thing standing in the way of positive human interaction. We are all breathing bundles of insecurity. Once we recognize that, we recognize our shared humanity, regardless of our differences.
2. The way to inner peace is through forgiving others. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” says the Lord’s Prayer, and there’s a reason we are supposed to forgive others. This is the path to our own freedom from inner conflict. This is the way to the light. This is what redemption is.
3. It isn’t easy to forgive when we have been hurt, and it is even harder to keep forgiving when our offer of forgiveness has no impact on the other person’s behavior. Our forgiveness will not change the situation or the other person. That doesn’t matter. It will change us. We can’t forgive ourselves before we forgive others, and we can’t move on before we’ve forgiven ourselves. We have to forgive if we want to truly live.
4. You have to give to receive, and sometimes you have to give without receiving. That’s okay. It’s always better to be a giver. We were created to serve others, and when we don’t fulfill this role, we don’t feel fulfilled. We have to give our time and our talents and our hearts to others if we want to profit from these things ourselves.
5. The way we judge others is the way we judge ourselves. The way we talk to or about others is the way we believe we deserve to be talked to or about. The flaws we notice in others are the ones we are most concerned about in ourselves. We ought to be kinder and more generous to others because that is the only way to be kinder and more generous to ourselves.
6. The best revenge really is happiness. If you want to be happy, just get out there every day and love every minute of your very precious life. Time flies whether you are having fun our not. You might as well enjoy it.
7. Revenge is the wrong word because revenge comes from a place of bitterness, and there is no room for bitterness in a happy life. Just get out there and love life. Include as many people as you can in your love for life. You may have to love life in spite of some people, but nothing that is done to spite another person is love. Forget the spite. Just love.

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On Shame and Vulnerability


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This Ted Talk from Brené Brown really had an impact on me. I ran across it a few months ago, and I’ve now read most of her books. I’m now a huge fan of vulnerability. Willingness to be vulnerable is one of the most courageous things a person can do. You can’t be vulnerable without crashing head first into your own deepest pits of personal shame, though. Willingness to work through your own shame in order to remain in a place where you feel vulnerable so as to remain open to connections to other human being is one of the most courageous things you can do.

I’ve been thinking about these issues a lot lately. I’ve been through a lot of changes this year, and there’s nothing quite like change to bring out the insecurities. Brené Brown has helped through the transitions.

That’s why I thought about her talks on vulnerability and shame today when I needed to write a sample essay for my students. You can read my essay about understanding shame on Scribd.

Courage is writing an essay about things that make you feel ashamed and sharing that essay with a room full of students. I’m not sure posting that essay online for others to read even qualifies as vulnerable and courageous, though. I may have moved into just plain crazy territory now.

I hope you enjoy my essay. I hope that if it triggers any of your own shame buttons, you will remember that vulnerability is courage.

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You can’t blame a goat for eating grass


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“When people show you who they are, believe them.”

Maya Angelou

I saw this quote on Facebook a couple of times this week, and it stuck with me. I even went so far as to look up the Oprah segment where Maya Angelou shared this advice.

It’s good advice. It’s solid. I know exactly what she’s talking about. If someone lies once, that person will lie again and again. If someone lets you down when you are in need, that person will let you down again and again. If someone hurts you once, that person will keep on hurting you. Believe people the first time they show you who they are.

Believe them, and don’t blame them for it. I know that the point of this lesson is to get away from people who can’t be trusted, but I also heard Dr. Angelou say, “Why would you blame a man for being who he is?”

I like my friend David’s way of expressing this: “You can’t blame a goat for eating grass.” The goat is who he is. He is doing what he does. Blame accomplishes nothing.

Let go of blame. If you need to also get away from the person, do that too, but let go of blame. Blame hurts you more than it hurts the other person.

Let go and believe the person is showing you the truth about himself or herself. Without a doubt, do that. It’s great advice, but while you believe, stop and ask yourself something else. Would you want anyone to judge you solely based on your worst moment and/or your worst characteristics?

People are package deals. The good comes with the bad. There’s no such thing as a person who doesn’t have any flaws. If we walked away from everyone who showed us that he or she could not be everything we wanted all the time, we would not have a friend left in this world.

Let people be who they are. You can’t change them.

Be who you are. Don’t try to change for anyone else. That won’t work either. For one, you aren’t really happy around another person if you aren’t at ease with yourself. For another, you can only hide who you are for so long before the real you starts to show.

All you can do is to decide if you are willing to live with the whole goat, grass eating and all. If not, find yourself a greener pasture. If so, learn to really live with it. You asked for it, you got it, baby. We’re all just grass eating goats here.

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The Idealistic Personality


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Here’s a video about the INFP personality (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving). This is my personality type, and I’ve been trying to learn more about it (and myself) lately.

The INFP is one of the personality types labeled as “Idealist.” Here are some videos about Idealists.

Part 1: Overview

Part 2: Idealists and Relationships

Part 3: Childhood, Adulthood, and Leadership

I wouldn’t say that I fit these descriptions 100%, but I’m certainly close enough for all of this to be highly informative. It helps to know that some of my issues with life, the universe, and everything stem from my personality type and not from a personality disorder. In these days of diagnosing everyone with mental health issues, anything off the beaten path tends to get labeled as a disorder. According to some estimates, INFPs make up no more than 5% of the population. That’s a ways off the beaten path.

True to my personality type, I plan to devote a great deal of time to meditating over what all of this means. Let’s just hope I also manage to get a few other things done today as well.

To learn more about your own personality type, take the Myers Briggs test online at Human Metrics. If you are also an Idealist, be sure to come back and tell me, and we will contemplate the meaning of life and personality together…but possibly from a distance because I am also highly introverted.

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