The Daily Blog

I’m not sure I can do it. I was sure from the start that I wouldn’t make it to 365 consecutive blogging days without a break. My previous record was about 70 days, and I thought maybe I could beat that. Now I’m not sure. I’m pulled in too many directions, feeling too worn down. I have plenty to blog about. I’ve read books I haven’t mentioned, thought up ideas I haven’t explored. Material abounds but not focus, drive, or particular purpose in continuing to blog daily when I feel so tired and pulled apart. I promised no one but myself, and that’s a promise that can be broken at any point.

This is day 33. It’s a Tuesday, so I was supposed to write a poem, but I won’t because I only just now remembered that it was Tuesday at all, much less the day on which I had thought I might write poems. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. Not today.

I wonder why I would keep going, or why I wouldn’t be more lenient with myself about days off. People even take days off from their vows for Lent. Why not expect or even schedule days off?

No reason at all. I have only the perverse thing inside that wants to assure itself it spends time each day writing. I have fooled that thing, though, by posting pictures or otherwise evading writing as duty. It is not a duty. It is merely a desire.

And so because I am too tired and have too much else on my mind to say much more today than maybe I will quit this tomorrow, or maybe I won’t, I will leave you with this.

Cornbread

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Camellia

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Apropos of nothing. Except…

I remembered to make cornbread because I mentioned cornbread yesterday in a blog post. That’s all. Not much there to remark upon.

The flowers I saw in the cemetery when I went for a walk this afternoon. I took other pictures, but I don’t want to post them because it seems to me that the losses are too fresh in that cemetery. I don’t want to disturb them. It is not the same at all as pictures from a historic cemetery where the pain of loss is a hundred years or more in the past.

Maybe I should have gone in a different direction today. Maybe I should have looked for something to cheer myself up or calm the stress that I feel. But there in the cemetery among the fresh losses I felt I had no right to even see I also saw the only sign of life I’ve run across lately at all. Where else are the flowers in bloom on February 2 after a cold front has just been through?

Contentment Diary 02/01/2010

Today was one of those days. Yes, a day it was. Nothing bad happened. It wasn’t that kind of day. It was just a day in which I showed up, did some stuff, and went home again all while carrying around a mild feeling of frustration and a larger feeling of inability to accomplish. And so I am home, guilt-ridden and somewhat miffed with myself, attempting to accomplish things that go nowhere. And in this state it occurs to me that I understand my problem. I went to work expecting to put in three days, and I only had one to give, maybe only three-quarters of one due to the mild feeling of frustration I hauled around extra all day. And so I did my day. I did all of my Monday things, the ones I had to do at least, the ones that always take me all of Monday to do. I did not catch up on my Thursday and Friday things which had fallen somewhat askew due to my over-attendance of meetings. I did Monday and Monday only. Sorry Thursday and Friday, you’re going to have to wait a little longer. Everyone who isn’t Monday is going to have to wait a little longer. I’m done now, whether you are done or not. I’m calling time out until Tuesday. Good riddance to you, Monday. See you next week.

Dinner

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Stuffed Pepper and Cabbage

A little of this.

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A little of that.

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Stuff the that in the this. Bake a while. Put some cheese on top. Bake a little more. Serve with cabbage. Enjoy.

The that is my own concoction that falls somewhere in between what we called vegetable goulash and what we called jambalaya when I was growing up, which as near as I can tell differ primarily in degree of spiciness. Both are made with rice and whatever vegetables you happen to have leftover that week. Both can be made with or without tomato depending on availability and personal preference. Both are a little better with corn bread. I didn’t make cornbread. I could have, but I’ve been lazy about it. So far. I have leftovers to last out the week. Cornbread could make an appearance yet.

This version is mildly spicy in a flavorful way. I accomplished that by cooking the rice in crab boil, which I’m not sure I should admit to as it is not the intended purpose of crab boil, but it worked and I’m enjoying the results.

I did not investigate the origins of all ingredients, so I cannot promise this is an environmentally-friendly local-produce oriented meal in its entirety, but about half the ingredients came from my father’s garden. I’m counting that as my effort toward supporting local agriculture for the week.